Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
