and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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