Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
