Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
