My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
