Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
