Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You're like the curious george of whores
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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