how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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