im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
