The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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