i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
