Cold hands, warm shart.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We had sex on a dog bed..
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
