Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
