I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Randomize
