I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
