all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
