She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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