i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
