Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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