I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
