Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
