If that was your dad, he is hot
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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