hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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