the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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