Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
