I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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