I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
