My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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