I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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