Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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