I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
