wrigley field is MILF paradise
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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