just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
