I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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