I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
