Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
