I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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