It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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