This is not my ceiling
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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