dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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