Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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