Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
