I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
