i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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