dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
