It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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