I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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