I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
