We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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