i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
