my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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