i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The Olympian is in my bed
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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