Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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